I feel like I'm choking

I feel like I'm slowly drifting to the bottom of a pool

The deep end...

and no matter how much I try to fight,

and sometimes I do, and I win for a couple of seconds

I'm actually drowning.

How do I find my way to the surface?

I just want to be happy.

I just want to be having fun.

Please, why am I so miserable?

I'm so confused about what I'm supposed to be doing.

Letting her go...

Or fighting to make it work.

Love isn't work.

Love is beautiful.

I'm a hopeless romantic, and I'm allowing myself to be miserable.

fuck.

Jason Robert Ballard - Trash can

I wish I just had a best friend, I wish I had a home base that wasn’t so wrong. I wish things in one area of my life were going the right way =/

And the more all this crap happens, the more alone I feel…. It’s kind of… well… Lonely.

I just can’t help but wish someone would just honestly look at me, and smile and say hey… I know you’re mister tough guy, but I truly appreciate everything you do, and I’m sorry everything sucks. I feel like if one person just understood that I feel used and neglected and I feel like a door mat and a trash can for everyone else’s problems. Just one person…. and everything would be alright, and I could find the strength to just keep being mr tough guy.

But right now I just feel like a child… and I feel like nothing I do or have done is enough for anyone =/

Blahblahblah… poor me blahblah.

Jason Robert Ballard - Fight or flight

How do I feel right now?

I feel a little panic.

I feel a little fight or flight action.

I want to stay and be like we were before,

I want her to like me, and want me and think I'm more than enough.

No one can make that kind of thing happen.

On the other hand... I want to be in a relationship that's equal.

So I need to find Jason Robert again and not let him go.

I need to find the Alpha Wolf I am.

I need to hold him inside of me and stop feeling so vulnerable.

I'm the man.... I'm the masculine, the protector.

I am the provider.

I want her to be my girl, my beauty and grace.

But I want her to be happy...

And right now she's not.

If there were words I could say.

If there was a look I could give to return us to the parts we miss.

I want to effect you.

I want to look at you and have you read my thoughts.

I want you.

Read my mind.

Or be afraid I'm reading yours.

Get butterflies,

Show me your emotions.

Show me your need for me.

Someplace to pencil these in

I have a shit ton of ideas.

Paint needles/trans colors/shadow box

Trans oriented paintings

Clothes swap

Interview and TheCircle flyer

May 9th

Kind of hard to sign in when you don't sign anything.

The hamsters are at it again... noisy wheels.

I don't understand why they have to be nocturnal...

I don't understand why I have to be nocturnal.

Right now I don't feel like anything.

I feel kind of empty.

Because my attempt at pleasure failed,

and then my girlfriend fell asleep on me.

No closure for this day...

I haven't heard her voice yet, how will I sleep.

Meditation youtube videos?

Dexter til I fall asleep...

I'm waiting to dream about serial killers.

Is that why I feel so empty?

Empathing dexter?

It's amazing how much your powers can come back when you're desperate for them.

But right now I'm angry.

One emotion following another emotion closely.

I'm lonely...

I'm irritated by the fucking hamster

And I'm frustrated because porn isn't cutting it anymore.

My body is tired from working out.

I need the soft touch of my girlfriend.

I need attention.

Jason Robert Ballard - May 8th (#3)

When I was younger.

When I was in 6th grade, in Maryland.

I used to draw aliens...

I loved it.

Cartoons of aliens.

Drawings on notebooks.

I thought of this today when I was painting,

Aliens are not human,

We don't know what they look like.

So it doesn't matter if they look "wrong"

I was giving myself a way out.

Painting isn't fun anymore because I can't let go.

Jason Robert Ballard - May 8th (#2)

I would be lying to myself if I said I never wanted this blog to be found.

Is all that I am just a bunch of politics and publicity stunts,

A scatter plot of places to creep on my life.

Find out what I'm doing... how I'm feeling.

If someone were to only see these imaginary pages on their computer screen

If that who they knew... Who do they know?

I hope very much that your creeping has lead you here.

But I can not say that you'll be happy with what you've found.

This is the unpublished version of Jason Robert Ballard.

God only know what that could lead to.

Today really meant nothing.

I Just because she's on vacation doesn't mean I am.

I need to get this shit together and take the end of monroe cc seriously.

The end of community colleges.

I'm trying not to hold my breath.

I feel as if I'm stupid when I know fucking well I'm not.

I'm a genius. I'm a creative genius,

and I'm lazy and thats why I won't amount to anything.

Does knowing that change anything?

What does it prove to accomplish goals to get to a future I don't know if I want.

Don't get me wrong these doubts are not about the relationship in my life.

She has everything planned out all I have to do is be the other half.

Right now it's like we're playing house, and then one day we really will be.

I'm okay with this... In fact this makes me happy.

Finally all my hard work at being Mr Perfect is being appreciated.

I'm compensating for not having a penis.

We can get that right out in the open right away.

Also, I've been hurt to many times.

I've been cheated on to many times

I've been committed and 100% in a relationship ready to be with them forever.

And each time they fuck it up.

They do... not me.

I'm not being a dick... I'm being honest.

Danielle is different though,

I say this every time but she's a new kind of different.

It's not all lust and sex. She doesn't let me buy her anything.

I don't feel used or under appreciated.

I feel like an equal...

isn't that the way it should be?

Jason Robert ballard - May 7th late... May 8th early.

I'm more sexual frustrated than ever.

Puberty, good lord.

It's like an animalistic hunger,

It's like a desire.

FUCK.

Jason Robert ballard - May 7th late... May 8th early.

I want to sleep during normal human hours.

I want to see more time in my days.

I think I have a lot of emotions and I think I need a way to express them.

This journal will be for those sensitive moments.

Hidden away where no one knows to look, or creep.

Today I was talking to AO,

and I got memories of SE suddenly.

Frustration.

Was I even in a relationship?

I feel as if it were all give an no receive.

A year and a half of long distance relations...

A year and a half of isolation in a town where I knew no one.

Waiting to talk to her, only to have her give me a couple of minutes before bed

I wasn't important enough.

I remember waiting, always.

Everything that was mine was hers.

But nothing that was hers was ever mine.

Always waiting.

I felt like i was being under appreciated several times.

Taken for granted.

Maybe I've glorified her because she was beautiful

I don't remember any good anymore, and I've finally allowed myself to.

I remember one sided sex.

I remember being cheated on.

I remember being lied to and it changing my entire life.

I remember that voice that I can't stand.

That fake soft, high pitched voice she used sometimes.

I don't remember any good.

jason Robert Ballard - May 5th

It's May 5th, As the title states but only for another half an hour.

My other half has been gone for forty eight of those half hours.

Half. Half. Fifty percent. Fifty per cent.

If it were fifty per cent you would most definitely turn a profit.

One dollar per hour you lose forty cents on the minute cent ratio.

I have to let the absurd out to pee like a puppy.

The dogs, the dog, the canine that I am.

I dream of chasing birds and running free of stitches in my side.

Oxygen is poison that's why we all die, yet to enjoy this life you're told to breathe deep.

Oxygen with the scent of her entangled deep breathes pure absurd into my blood stream.

I'm excited. Like a canine on the hunt, through the chase I breathe her sex.

I breathe her sex. Deep. Free of stitches in my side.

You're absurd.

You're absurd.

You're absird.

You're a bird.

Nothing holds you down tonight my love.

I can not chase such beauty in hopes of another unfulfilling meal.